me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
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The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Gemma Correll
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Something Saturday.