What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
time for some seasonal decor
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I came this close!!!!
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.