At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
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Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too