Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
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Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.