There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
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When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.