Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
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to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people