A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
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i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
How to properly lift a body
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5