I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
You Might Also Like
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.