I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
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“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.