The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
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I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”