If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
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toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
The internet is full of many things
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
New menu item
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…