I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
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I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money