You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
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*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try