Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
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I’m too immature for adultery.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.