Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
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Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Twitter remains undefeated
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.