What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
You Might Also Like
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Fries, not lies.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!