me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
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Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
When I can’t barge, I careen.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
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4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.