me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
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Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.