If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
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No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
selena gomez
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside