Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
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My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
it’s the silliest best thing
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
The Sun
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
ok this is my dumbest yet