[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
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Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]