Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
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Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg