I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
You Might Also Like
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.