I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
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I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
lol
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I could NOT have put it better myself.