Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
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People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night