Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
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My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
i actually laughed 😩
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.