If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
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If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!