“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
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Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.