In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
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I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
At least my masseuse has my back.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I can’t wait!
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.