How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
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My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Jogging
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka