Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
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If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.