Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
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A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.