Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
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I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Discuss
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.