The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
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As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Feels like the fourth month in January
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.