Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
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Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
This could be us but you eatin’
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine