Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
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Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”