Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
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Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right