My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
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Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
The struggle is real
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo