Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
You Might Also Like
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Probably my best painting.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.