[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
You Might Also Like
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Feels
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.