Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
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I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
These dogs look like they have good credit.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.