The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
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*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Who says great literature is dead?
This story is comedy gold 😂
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.