i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
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I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I think about this a lot
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.