According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
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Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Guys, I found it.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
the last thing a carrot sees
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.