Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
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Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in