Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
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One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
WTF IS THAT!
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.