Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
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when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
CRYING
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828