I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
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Forever 21… pounds overweight
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.