Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
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There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”