Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
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do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.